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Top 5 New Year Resolutions for Realists

Your guide to making the perfect “New Years Realist’s Resolution” list.

Lists are stupid, just improv!  Think of all the coolest people you know.  Really, do it!  Now picture them in front of a microphone on TV.  Are you picturing them?  Do they have a list in front of them?  No, they don’t, because they’re cool, and they don’t need them.  But they prepared notes ahead of time, you might say.  “Prepared” belongs in the category of other “pre-“ words like prefix, nerdy, predecessor, also nerdy, or premeditated, murder!  Just wing it…wing it all.  You’ll look cool!

Put down the pen, pick up the Oreos.  We live in a hedonistic society, therefore you are a hedonistic boy, or girl.  Face it, this is the age of self-gratification, so do what makes you “feel” good.  Ultimately it will make you happier, right?  Stop causing yourself needless pain by thinking about the gym, or jotting other “helpful” resolutions down, and just go for the classic; Oreos.

You owe it to yourself to be honest with everyone.  That’s right, be honest….brutally honest.  Want to know why you keep shrinking from the world in your apartment or your parents basement every year, you haven’t cracked your shell yet.  You’re scared of what people will think of you, so go ahead and say it, “You look fat, Mom…sorry!”, or “go ahead, keep gawking at that girl you jerk, you know what, actually go MARRY her, it’s not like you didn’t just think about it,” kind of stuff, and when they give you that “look”, just think “water off a ducks back”.

Hop on the bandwagon, for the ride.  Let’s be honest here, bandwagons are just one thing…trendy.  People hop on bandwagons to be trendy.  When two trendy people meet in the street, they almost always have a “yeah, I see you, do you see me?  Yeah, were trendy, let’s keep walking past each other coolly but trendily,” kind of moment.  Though I don’t recommend partaking in any of the hipster trends, the movement has one redeeming trend; their gaudy framed eyeglasses.  Nothing says, “I’m trying something different,” than those thickly framed glasses (black ones are the best).  The tree-hugging bandwagon is kind of fun, but with those people remember that a bandwagon experience should be short-lived.  They’re oh so welcoming, but that’s not a cigarette they’re offering you.  Also, if you’re stressed, why not try some stress-relieving shouting at some political rally, or better yet, join a “human rights” group and partake in some demonstrations.  The key in all of this, the more participatory you are, the more you yell, the more you act like those crazy Arab Spring people, the more fulfilled you’ll feel (this point ties back to number 2, being hedonistic).

Finally, remember you are a realist.  Nobody can take that from you, ever.  You see past all the commercialization of everything, you see past peoples flatteries, you are a no fluff person.  Meat and potatoes!  So this next year, just be yourself.  Do what is you!